Wrote this on my blackberry

I sent this email to my friend.. and I figured it would be a lovely blog entry since things have been very stressful this week.
-----------------------------------------------

I'm going to write out my lovely week as I'm going to school today.

Its been stressful. You've been warned.

My new leg braces are doing its broken record playing - scratches and such. I saw the brace guy last week and he finally understood my "sensitive skin comment" and was quite alarmed.

I saw the dermatologist yesterday to show her the creation that she referred me to and its lovely markings. Thankfully she was upset and we're going to create our own padding. As well as get some special socks.

Before getting to her however, Gary called. The drama from last year about mom is going to lose the house is back on. He pulled out the "you're the daughter" card again. After telling him things like "I have 4 weeks left of school." And "I can't just drop my life and drag her out to do her daily errands. I cannot be Dad just like that." Eventually had to say "Thanks for calling and letting me know. I'll do the best I can but today it will not happen."

Upset and stressed from the call, I wanted to cry. I sent Carol a text about the call and thankfully she called me back. Its quite amazing I could even get the call while waiting for the doctor to come back. She told me to take a deep breath, you're doing well and everything is going to be ok. She assured me of handling the situation quite well and just to keep it up.

While at my appointment, my blood pressure had to be taken 3 times because it was so high.

After my appointment was done I stepped outside and was physically frozen still while the World around me was noisy and going on. I stared out at the sidewalk feeling numb and unsure what to do. Then I realized "Food. Walgreens. Go" those were the 3 exact words to pop into my head in order to get out of my "frozen" state.

I also called Carol back - thanked her for calling and helping me feel a bit better and hope she's doing ok.

School has been rough... Four weeks left, papers and studying to do I'm feeling a bit frazzled.

Last night I had a crazy dream of being shot... People I don't know stealing money from me - threatening to shoot me. People in these dreams were unrecognizable. The only thing known was being on Irving Park and Keeler where I grew up. I woke up and my body hurt and did not feel rested. When I got home yesterday after my doctor appointment and physical therapy I took 4 ibprophen, had a terrible headache and conked out for 5 hours. Never even heard/see my door bell being rung.

I Miss You

I miss writing out my every thought, feeling, and tiny bits of intent. Other than trying to think of which key to push first to get my fingers flying over the keyboard, I know I’ve lost my touch. It’s been a few years since I was able to creatively write and I miss it dearly.

I admire friends who are writers and can keep it going through the internet on blogs and other inter-webs {yes, stealing your word Ana}. Unfortunately though, I still blame the memory that still haunts me. Just like an awful reoccurring dream that happens to some people on a nightly basis, that memory of my father threatening to sue my every word sadly robbed my muse. Yes, it was blasphemy and logically cannot happen but I was young and it was my way out of my frustrations but my muse is still locked up. Well, I am still young, still in my twenties but 21 feels like many moons ago.

I’m sitting here rocking back and forth in my chair between keying breaks to gather thoughts and throw them in a bucket. I kind of wish I could do that naturally but handwriting doesn’t come as quickly as using this keyboard.

I have a scattering to do list roaming through my head and laundry to do. Homework to catch up on, cuts on my leg that I worry is getting infected. Owing help to friends and I’m unable to show my face at the moment. The weather is ugly, wet and that used to be an inspiration.

I’m still waiting for my sigh of relief from getting these things off my mind.

I love the sound of the clickety-clack on my keyboard and even that used to be inspiring. Where did my muse go? I can write a list of the things I love but it feels too automatic and useless. Sure, one person will see my love list and smile because there’s something in common but it never feels the tiny bit original.

Wow someone is cooking something but I think they burnt it. Whatever it was, it better not set off the fire alarm. Yes if you recognize those lines, I did tweet them earlier.

I changed my twitter username from @katemp to @bellastars. What do you think? I was bored if using katemp - Kate is my first name of course, but M stands for Meredith and P is for my last name, Pastorelli. Yep, Italians rule!

If I change it again later, don’t be mad at me okay?
Ah, now I’m feeling better. Certainly not 100% but this did help.

..Please excuse whichever hand I write with..

I was just watching The Simpsons and I love that line. Bart wrote a letter to be excused from class - of course he said it was from his mom but.. obviously not.

I don't know which site I want to keep up with. Of course they're both me but I still feel a block in my mind and I'm finding it hard to truly express myself.

However, I do feel better when people leave me comments because then I feel like people are actually reading this site.

Help me out here people.. encourage me.. inspire me.. shove me?

Lack of Posting

Since school has started, I've been a bit busy. I only go twice a week but still that's five hours on Monday & Wednesday's. I'm taking Environmental Biology 119 and Math 118, and at the moment Math is harder. I know that comes with the territory when taking another math class but.. man, it's about Logic at the moment.. and no use numbers yet which is driving a bit nuts. Besides my life has hardly any real Logic in it.. Make some sense is all I ask.

Biology is interesting though.. I just find it kind of funny that the professor looks like an artist or an art professor who I'd expect to see walk into my parents Gallery when I was a kid.

Emotionally, I've been kind of blah.. but really, really am missing yoga. I've been searching around for some DVDs to possibly buy and get back into the groove of doing Yoga again.. I don't know if I'll actually be able to commit to it and I know it'll lack the better feeling of being in class.. but I'm desperate.. I'm a poor college kid, work with me here, folks!

I did find a class in Hatha yoga that's at our school. Tomorrow I'm going to work on contacting the school or stopping by to see how I can sign up for it.. and if financial aid pays.

Otherwise, the building I live in is doing a newsletter and I'm on the committee. It's kind of nice to be a little involved here. I should do that in school as well - I need to work on signing up for tutoring so I don't fail either one of my classes this semester.

Mom's Cooking

Unfortunately I don't have a picture of the lovely meal she made for me on Friday night. But I do have a photo of the mess she left behind:

When I added hot water to the pot after adding the soap.. it made a nice heart shape..




Saturday I did nothing but sleep. So today I got up to clean that mess of hers.. And Viola:



Today, unfortunately I'm feeling really crabby.. not sure why. But I do intend on remedying the crankiness by heading out for a long bike ride after I shower.. I just put on a much more comfortable seat because the one the bike came with does not do well on long rides.

Fun stuff huh? I have a week left before school and it's driving me nuts sometimes because I've been having some crazy dreams lately.. Probably the stress of it all.

Inspection

So I passed inspection, thankfully. The funny thing was, I had a bunch of deaf friends over and we were chatting and I was scanning some stuff.. all sorts of things. Of course it made the waiting game a bit long but it was worthwhile.

I can't believe how tired I feel right now when I went into a deep sleep from about 10am to 3 or 4pm? Lisa, her son Andy, his girlfriend Yesi and I were all going to go play Paintball but the weather was predicting thunderstorms by early afternoon, and it was ugly that morning. Then we decided to cancel and go tomorrow.

Then I went back to sleep and just loved being in a deep sleep. I don't sleep too deeply very often and just wanted to stay there. I haven't been feeling all that great either so I thought "oh for god's sake, leave me alone!" but then by 4pm, I was up and actually doing pretty well.. Now I'm tired again.

I'm betting it's the storm that's on the way otherwise.. I'm all good.

I know I sound incredibly boring but I just can't get over how fast time is going and school starts in two weeks! YIKES!

Guzzling coffee again

So, I got up an hour ago.. really reluctantly since I turn off my alarm when I set it for.. 8am [it's past 11 now as I'm writing this.] Yes, I'm very behind for the finishing touches. My girlfriend and I made a ton of progress and I vowed to finish it.
I'm also playing on the eMac my girlfriend and I traded.. She's taking the iMac, I'm taking the eMac. Wow! I have a bigger screen! It's pretty wild on this eMac.

So, I'll take some pix of my progress and.. hey, it's fun Shannon! Get the kids to do it, they'll learn to love it at some point :D

I'm actually nervous but since the current manager was finally Fired, there's a little less tension in the air.