?

Crap. It's almost 4am. I should be asleep! I've been in such a rut tonight.

I failed classes. I can't register again. After the new year I'll try to have it figured out.

I feel really lost. So incredibly lost.

Even though nothing really changes immediately.. I still live in the same place but no job, probably no school.

I have no idea what I'm going to be doing next.

I've forgotten how to dream.

Any ideas would be very much appreciated.

You Got the Message

Someone read my complaint
to you
Instead of fight or frown (or even defend)
You smile
And Joke endlessly
Just so I know
"what a joke is"

I puzzle at the timing of
your new attitude
Your tone is still mostly
confusing
Easily misleading

I crack a smile.

I still remember when
you hit on me

Either way,
I watch my footing.

I've been wanting to write... Really.

I've had a bunch of jumbled thoughts in my head lately. For some reason I just haven't found the will to sit down and sort them all out. I have the means, I have the words.. but, boy the act of sitting in front of the computer just hasn't been my first priority. (Or any priority for that matter)

Summer has finally hit Chicago.. Extremely late. I (still) have to register for my math class. (How I hate thee) I promise to do that on Monday.

I finally joined Bally Total Fitness again. I miss swimming, I miss my twice-a-week yoga, I miss my activity. I finally got a great deal through the mail! Sign up for $15.99 and pay $9.99 a month. No contract at all! I can quit when I want to.

If it's possible, I'm going to try to take the class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. That way I can also go to yoga those days. I can meet up with Sara after class, somewhere in between, do homework with her, go to my yoga class and then head home! If not then I'll figure something out.. Maybe Monday and Wednesday.. I don't know.

I have to meet with an adviser no matter what because I'm on academic probation for failing math the last semester. Also I need to see where I am standing on my credits. Make sure math is one of the final classes I have to take. I meant to go to school on Friday but it was raining and I couldn't find my student ID. I am well known for putting things in different places.. I am not well organized in the slightest.

What else?

I had a great friend Catrin stay at my place for a while. I met her at Gallaudet 10 years ago! On my birthday I met up with her in Chinatown and she was also with Marlon. Marlon was heading back to D.C on Wednesday. I offered Catrin a place to stay until she heads off to Toronto. When I get back to my apartment, I will work on a photo blog and
incorporate some pictures I took while Catrin was staying here.

I'm so jealous of Catrin traveling around to different places that now I feel is the time for me to start working on what to do with my life. I live monthly from hand-to-mouth. It's nothing I'm proud of. Disability wise, it has been difficult. I have a bunch of mad skills with the computer, fluent in American Sign Language, I can build websites and take great pictures. I've also been to college so that gives me some leverage, right?

It's all a work in process.. and more jumbled thoughts.

In other news, I've been in contact with two different doctors. I'm working on getting a type of laser surgery done for my scars from the bacterial meningitis. The scars left over, look like burn scars. With Obama approving funds for medical research and experiments, this is a great time to try to get something done. I might be able to go to Baltimore this fall sometime and get it done for free.

I had a consultation on Monday at Northwestern Memorial in Chicago but because of my insurance not paying for it {they call it a Cosmetic Procedure so they won't pay for it}.. it sounds like it's going to go a little longer in trying to find a trial or something that can help me get it done for free. Where ever I do go for the surgery, it's going to take a very long time. Because it's an experiment, they have to test a tiny area.. if it's successful then they will do a whole arm. And then small areas, then if that's successful, another arm. It's going to be long. My legs are probably going to take the longest. Other than how long it might take, I'm actually excited. It's going to be a very long process because it takes about six months to notice major improvements.

One of my friends thought this would erase my scars. I had to tell her, no that's not going to happen.. it's just going to improve their appearance. They'll be less bumpy, less red.. depending on where it gets done, that area will hopefully improve. I know nothing can ever erase them but improving them will be better.

If you learned anything from this post.. I hope someone comments!

It's Sunday.. and I'm back.

After four days of being in Jacksonville, IL for the 2nd Annual Deaf-Blind retreat, I've spent my Sunday at home... mostly hanging in bed. For four days I had a schedule to follow, things to do, work as an SSP (Support Service Provider), apply techniques and just do the best I can. From 7:30am to 10:30pm everyday I was crazy busy and even though there was a computer in the room, I never touched it. Can you believe it? I never touched it! I used my blackberry of course to talk to my mom and browse twitter but otherwise.. I barely had the energy to do anything more. I remember calling my mom once and leaving her a message and I noticed I sounded exhausted! I made a mental note to never leave a message again or I'd probably worry her.

However, for today, I didn't spend it all in bed. I did go to Walgreens to get my Lyrica because I am officially out and I only had one day left of my Concerta.

It's so weird being home and not really having any plans. Lisa was going to come over but she wanted to give me a day off to myself. How nice of her. I'm grateful for that because I'm just so tired
.

I didn't take any pictures while I was at this retreat, unfortunately. I brought my camera to take photos because it was on the list to bring with us but we constantly had things to do, workshops, lunch, interpreting announcements.. It was almost impossible to find a second to take photos! There were a few people around to take photos of activities, workshops, meetings, all sorts of things but otherwise there wasn't any time to do it myself.

When I arrived on Wednesday morning, at some point I heard a message that we were not going to get a certificate to document this experience. I was extremely disappointed. Does that sound selfish? I really wanted something to document this experience so when I try to get a job or try to continue this journey of what I want to be when I grow up, a certificate or official document of some kind would have been helpful. Then one night there was a meeting and someone asked if ALL people - certified interpreters and new SSPs were getting something.. Thankfully the answer was "yes." I couldn't help but clap in relief!

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Now that I'm back, I was sitting in my bed and realized I felt so blah. This is something I need to work on.. hence the reason why I'm writing. I'm trying to get my feelings out either here or on my blackberry in the Notes program because I need to keep track of this.

Before I left I was feeling really depressed. I was having a very hard time snapping out of it. I know snapping out of it is not the best way to go about getting out of it but I didn't want to show up to the retreat looking as awful as I felt. Thankfully being as crazy busy as I was, it helped to get the sadness to go off to the side. I didn't become so self-involved as I felt.
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I'm excited for tomorrow. I get to see Amber Benson for her book signing! I haven't bought her 2nd book yet but tomorrow's signing is for her recent publishing of Death's Daughter.

I will definitely bring my camera for this event!

That's all for now.. please comment???

Lost the Train of Thought

I've been wanting to blog.. a lot.. I just seem to lose the motivation to keep up with it and when I attempt to.. No one seems comment.. Comments always help me feel better

Instead of focusing on what I used to love to do.. I'm moving on from that because all of that "used to do" stuff is needing to be put in a garbage disposal.

I've been majorly addicted to Twitter.. especially while using Ubertwitter on my blackberry.

This friday June 12, I go see PJ Harvey for my first time! I never got a chance to see her in concert. I'm looking forward to taking pictures when we get there. I'm hoping it doesn't get too crazy and I end up reliving my traumatic experience of seeing Tori Amos at the Vic. Lisa's going with me.. and even though she's deaf she does seem to enjoy lighting and watching the singers expressions on their face.. Just go with the flow of it all.

Besides my future plans.. I've been sick with a terrible sinus infection since Sunday and that has really left me feeling down and sleeping a lot. Thankfully I don't have any major assignments or appointments to attend to. But all this coughing up junk is no fun. Really no fun.

Also next week June 17-20. I'm going on my first deaf-blind retreat.. I'm going to be training as an SSP.. I need to find out what that means but I'm looking forward to it.. It's going to be a new experience for myself.

I'll definitely take my camera with me and take lots of photos. And if I have any internet access for my laptop and a chance to write, I'll do my best to keep everyone updated.

Sleeping pill is kicking ... I'm getting a little sleepy to say the least.

Write this.. write that..

And don't forget to study! Aye.

I haven't been able to touch my paper since Without A Trace started. So I'm giving up for the night, going to sleep soon, wake up in a few hours, make some coffee.. do some writing.. get some money for moms gift and.. hope that laptop I'm getting her actually works.

Being nervous sucks during final times.

Mother's day

Today my mom is here. She slept over. Poor lady was too tired to go home so she opted to sleep over. No problem. I'm just happy she slept well and doesn't feel as tired today. She's been watching TV since she got here and is currently sharpening a knife she bought in Baltimore 6 years ago.

I do worry about her. I'm debating on getting her a laptop through CraigsList. So far I gave one laptop information to a friend in the building.. another one I'm communicating with might be the one I get for her. She just feels bad she doesn't have the immediate money but I'm holding off paying ComEd to do this. Plus we're all getting that extra $250 sometime this month so.. I won't be entirely broke.

I just want my mom to have some access to the internet again. She's apparently paying for it but the computer she has isn't working so what good is that? None.

I want us to go to Whole Foods at some time today so we can make a healthy lunch of some kind together. Then when she leaves I'll be working crazy on my paper.. and somehow studying math and psychology! I'm nuts.

So wish me luck, please? Comment. And eat your veggies!

Man.. Time just ..FLIES

I don't know where to start.. Things have been hectic for me. School is ending so that's the first crazyness going on.

I finally took some concert pictures.. I haven't really gone to any concerts since almost being arrested at the Vic Theatre in Chicago back in 2007? I had to go look at my facebook albums to remember the year.. Maybe this is my sign of age?

Anyway, enough questions.. How about some pictures?




I have a TON of photos on my facebook that I left open for "everyone" so.. enjoy if you like or not.. up to you.

Please comment.. please? anywhere.. here there.. anyone?

Wrote this on my blackberry

I sent this email to my friend.. and I figured it would be a lovely blog entry since things have been very stressful this week.
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I'm going to write out my lovely week as I'm going to school today.

Its been stressful. You've been warned.

My new leg braces are doing its broken record playing - scratches and such. I saw the brace guy last week and he finally understood my "sensitive skin comment" and was quite alarmed.

I saw the dermatologist yesterday to show her the creation that she referred me to and its lovely markings. Thankfully she was upset and we're going to create our own padding. As well as get some special socks.

Before getting to her however, Gary called. The drama from last year about mom is going to lose the house is back on. He pulled out the "you're the daughter" card again. After telling him things like "I have 4 weeks left of school." And "I can't just drop my life and drag her out to do her daily errands. I cannot be Dad just like that." Eventually had to say "Thanks for calling and letting me know. I'll do the best I can but today it will not happen."

Upset and stressed from the call, I wanted to cry. I sent Carol a text about the call and thankfully she called me back. Its quite amazing I could even get the call while waiting for the doctor to come back. She told me to take a deep breath, you're doing well and everything is going to be ok. She assured me of handling the situation quite well and just to keep it up.

While at my appointment, my blood pressure had to be taken 3 times because it was so high.

After my appointment was done I stepped outside and was physically frozen still while the World around me was noisy and going on. I stared out at the sidewalk feeling numb and unsure what to do. Then I realized "Food. Walgreens. Go" those were the 3 exact words to pop into my head in order to get out of my "frozen" state.

I also called Carol back - thanked her for calling and helping me feel a bit better and hope she's doing ok.

School has been rough... Four weeks left, papers and studying to do I'm feeling a bit frazzled.

Last night I had a crazy dream of being shot... People I don't know stealing money from me - threatening to shoot me. People in these dreams were unrecognizable. The only thing known was being on Irving Park and Keeler where I grew up. I woke up and my body hurt and did not feel rested. When I got home yesterday after my doctor appointment and physical therapy I took 4 ibprophen, had a terrible headache and conked out for 5 hours. Never even heard/see my door bell being rung.

I Miss You

I miss writing out my every thought, feeling, and tiny bits of intent. Other than trying to think of which key to push first to get my fingers flying over the keyboard, I know I’ve lost my touch. It’s been a few years since I was able to creatively write and I miss it dearly.

I admire friends who are writers and can keep it going through the internet on blogs and other inter-webs {yes, stealing your word Ana}. Unfortunately though, I still blame the memory that still haunts me. Just like an awful reoccurring dream that happens to some people on a nightly basis, that memory of my father threatening to sue my every word sadly robbed my muse. Yes, it was blasphemy and logically cannot happen but I was young and it was my way out of my frustrations but my muse is still locked up. Well, I am still young, still in my twenties but 21 feels like many moons ago.

I’m sitting here rocking back and forth in my chair between keying breaks to gather thoughts and throw them in a bucket. I kind of wish I could do that naturally but handwriting doesn’t come as quickly as using this keyboard.

I have a scattering to do list roaming through my head and laundry to do. Homework to catch up on, cuts on my leg that I worry is getting infected. Owing help to friends and I’m unable to show my face at the moment. The weather is ugly, wet and that used to be an inspiration.

I’m still waiting for my sigh of relief from getting these things off my mind.

I love the sound of the clickety-clack on my keyboard and even that used to be inspiring. Where did my muse go? I can write a list of the things I love but it feels too automatic and useless. Sure, one person will see my love list and smile because there’s something in common but it never feels the tiny bit original.

Wow someone is cooking something but I think they burnt it. Whatever it was, it better not set off the fire alarm. Yes if you recognize those lines, I did tweet them earlier.

I changed my twitter username from @katemp to @bellastars. What do you think? I was bored if using katemp - Kate is my first name of course, but M stands for Meredith and P is for my last name, Pastorelli. Yep, Italians rule!

If I change it again later, don’t be mad at me okay?
Ah, now I’m feeling better. Certainly not 100% but this did help.

..Please excuse whichever hand I write with..

I was just watching The Simpsons and I love that line. Bart wrote a letter to be excused from class - of course he said it was from his mom but.. obviously not.

I don't know which site I want to keep up with. Of course they're both me but I still feel a block in my mind and I'm finding it hard to truly express myself.

However, I do feel better when people leave me comments because then I feel like people are actually reading this site.

Help me out here people.. encourage me.. inspire me.. shove me?