Exhausted

I'm not going to go through my day because I am pretty tired. However, I did finally send off that shaker for my alarm.. I bought it in October.

The highlight of my day? Bawling my eyes out for at least an hour. Or two.

Going to bed and hoping my Tuesday is better.

New Years

I'm not sleeping really well tonight. I had such a productive Sunday and hoped to sleep through the night. Not really happening the way I'd like right now.

I swear to get up in 4 hours and start my day.

I made a list today while I was drinking coffee. Headed off to Target and was able to pick up a new balance ball and a Pilates DVD. I may not be able to do the exercises today but I'll do it when I get home.

After Target, I went to the Dollar Store and got a few more things off my list. A bath mat to put on the kitchen floor. I make quite a mess when I do my dishes. Some more dish towels. Again, I make a mess out of things while I clean. A manicure set for mom, scrubbing gloves to wear while I shower. They feel really good on my skin when it's all soapy. Water because I was thirsty and I feel like I got one more thing but I can't seem to put my finger on it.

It was really nice to feel a bit more centered and focused this afternoon. Of course, it was cold but I dressed right for it in layers. I just felt really good today. Even though yesterday felt like a bummer because I slept A TON and I felt kind of depressed but I couldn't put my finger on that either. Probably for not getting up when I wanted to.

I'm going to attempt to sleep the last few hours that I can and be hopeful this Monday will go well.

Oh yea, before I forget, I think because I was starving and determined not to order out, I cooked some breaded chicken tonight and peas. Unfortunately I had an anxiety attack that lasted for a while. I really made it through the attack though by cleaning and trying to slow down but the shaking did last for what felt like a long time.

OK, back to bed.

A different person

I think someone else wrote those entries. I'm reading those entries and pretty much FORGETTING I wrote them in the first place. And It's still 2010?! Those entries feel like a different lifetime ago.

It's been a long year and I'm only 30. Been going to the same group (mentioned somewhere down the line.).. I'm hoping this will be over with early of next year. I mean, really.

I do need to do a million things for 2011. Gosh. 2011. Another year.

Lots of stuff...

Currently there's some kid SCREAMING... Oh wait she stopped for now.

Right now I'm hanging out at the good ol' Apple store on Michigan Avenue. Man, I want one of these fancy smancy machines!!


Anyway, I've had a ton going on lately. I was in an accident the other day. All is well, I'm fine. I don't have any marks thankfully! I expected a big bruise on my forehead but nothing!


I've been at Northwestern Memorial Hospital that's behind the Apple store since 9am. I had one cup of coffee from Au Bo Pan.. I don't know how to spell it but I also got a Pecan Roll. Yum yum. I'll enjoy that in a little bit. Silly me, I forgot to pack myself a lunch.

My health is fine for the most part. I'm finally exercising a bit more. I went swimming on Monday, that felt really good. I even did some running in the water and that really got my skin warm. On Tuesday, I was supposed to go to Physical Therapy but I didn't because of the accident. So I went home and conked out for four hours! I just wanted a short nap. Therefore, sleeping Tuesday night wasn't all the smooth.

Wednesday I took it easy since the junk in my chest was bothering me as well as my back.

Today is my doctor appointment.. and eventually physical therapy and THEN.. yoga.

I'm so proud of myself for following through most of my scheduled activities because I tend to easily turn it down. I'll make some sort of excuse and not follow through. Which then leads to tons of guilt when I go to bed. I'll toss and turn because I didn't do what I said I would do. I'm really working on changing that this year.

I took some pictures of my recent meal creations. Those photos are on my camera and I haven't uploaded them yet.

I have to head back to the hospital at 1:30 and I'm already restless. The joys of coffee! I didn't drink some when I got up, I actually didn't feel like making it! How crazy is that??

I'll update more as things come along.

Am I missing anything?

If you have a blog and would like me to read it, let me know! I'm trying to keep everything in sync and accessible otherwise, I'm likely to forget about it. That's just a fact for me. If it's out of sight, it's surely out of my mind. So, be heard! Be read!

LIFE
IS
GOOD.
....and I don't say that often!

I've been wanting to write... Really.

I've had a bunch of jumbled thoughts in my head lately. For some reason I just haven't found the will to sit down and sort them all out. I have the means, I have the words.. but, boy the act of sitting in front of the computer just hasn't been my first priority. (Or any priority for that matter)

Summer has finally hit Chicago.. Extremely late. I (still) have to register for my math class. (How I hate thee) I promise to do that on Monday.

I finally joined Bally Total Fitness again. I miss swimming, I miss my twice-a-week yoga, I miss my activity. I finally got a great deal through the mail! Sign up for $15.99 and pay $9.99 a month. No contract at all! I can quit when I want to.

If it's possible, I'm going to try to take the class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. That way I can also go to yoga those days. I can meet up with Sara after class, somewhere in between, do homework with her, go to my yoga class and then head home! If not then I'll figure something out.. Maybe Monday and Wednesday.. I don't know.

I have to meet with an adviser no matter what because I'm on academic probation for failing math the last semester. Also I need to see where I am standing on my credits. Make sure math is one of the final classes I have to take. I meant to go to school on Friday but it was raining and I couldn't find my student ID. I am well known for putting things in different places.. I am not well organized in the slightest.

What else?

I had a great friend Catrin stay at my place for a while. I met her at Gallaudet 10 years ago! On my birthday I met up with her in Chinatown and she was also with Marlon. Marlon was heading back to D.C on Wednesday. I offered Catrin a place to stay until she heads off to Toronto. When I get back to my apartment, I will work on a photo blog and
incorporate some pictures I took while Catrin was staying here.

I'm so jealous of Catrin traveling around to different places that now I feel is the time for me to start working on what to do with my life. I live monthly from hand-to-mouth. It's nothing I'm proud of. Disability wise, it has been difficult. I have a bunch of mad skills with the computer, fluent in American Sign Language, I can build websites and take great pictures. I've also been to college so that gives me some leverage, right?

It's all a work in process.. and more jumbled thoughts.

In other news, I've been in contact with two different doctors. I'm working on getting a type of laser surgery done for my scars from the bacterial meningitis. The scars left over, look like burn scars. With Obama approving funds for medical research and experiments, this is a great time to try to get something done. I might be able to go to Baltimore this fall sometime and get it done for free.

I had a consultation on Monday at Northwestern Memorial in Chicago but because of my insurance not paying for it {they call it a Cosmetic Procedure so they won't pay for it}.. it sounds like it's going to go a little longer in trying to find a trial or something that can help me get it done for free. Where ever I do go for the surgery, it's going to take a very long time. Because it's an experiment, they have to test a tiny area.. if it's successful then they will do a whole arm. And then small areas, then if that's successful, another arm. It's going to be long. My legs are probably going to take the longest. Other than how long it might take, I'm actually excited. It's going to be a very long process because it takes about six months to notice major improvements.

One of my friends thought this would erase my scars. I had to tell her, no that's not going to happen.. it's just going to improve their appearance. They'll be less bumpy, less red.. depending on where it gets done, that area will hopefully improve. I know nothing can ever erase them but improving them will be better.

If you learned anything from this post.. I hope someone comments!

It's Sunday.. and I'm back.

After four days of being in Jacksonville, IL for the 2nd Annual Deaf-Blind retreat, I've spent my Sunday at home... mostly hanging in bed. For four days I had a schedule to follow, things to do, work as an SSP (Support Service Provider), apply techniques and just do the best I can. From 7:30am to 10:30pm everyday I was crazy busy and even though there was a computer in the room, I never touched it. Can you believe it? I never touched it! I used my blackberry of course to talk to my mom and browse twitter but otherwise.. I barely had the energy to do anything more. I remember calling my mom once and leaving her a message and I noticed I sounded exhausted! I made a mental note to never leave a message again or I'd probably worry her.

However, for today, I didn't spend it all in bed. I did go to Walgreens to get my Lyrica because I am officially out and I only had one day left of my Concerta.

It's so weird being home and not really having any plans. Lisa was going to come over but she wanted to give me a day off to myself. How nice of her. I'm grateful for that because I'm just so tired
.

I didn't take any pictures while I was at this retreat, unfortunately. I brought my camera to take photos because it was on the list to bring with us but we constantly had things to do, workshops, lunch, interpreting announcements.. It was almost impossible to find a second to take photos! There were a few people around to take photos of activities, workshops, meetings, all sorts of things but otherwise there wasn't any time to do it myself.

When I arrived on Wednesday morning, at some point I heard a message that we were not going to get a certificate to document this experience. I was extremely disappointed. Does that sound selfish? I really wanted something to document this experience so when I try to get a job or try to continue this journey of what I want to be when I grow up, a certificate or official document of some kind would have been helpful. Then one night there was a meeting and someone asked if ALL people - certified interpreters and new SSPs were getting something.. Thankfully the answer was "yes." I couldn't help but clap in relief!

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Now that I'm back, I was sitting in my bed and realized I felt so blah. This is something I need to work on.. hence the reason why I'm writing. I'm trying to get my feelings out either here or on my blackberry in the Notes program because I need to keep track of this.

Before I left I was feeling really depressed. I was having a very hard time snapping out of it. I know snapping out of it is not the best way to go about getting out of it but I didn't want to show up to the retreat looking as awful as I felt. Thankfully being as crazy busy as I was, it helped to get the sadness to go off to the side. I didn't become so self-involved as I felt.
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I'm excited for tomorrow. I get to see Amber Benson for her book signing! I haven't bought her 2nd book yet but tomorrow's signing is for her recent publishing of Death's Daughter.

I will definitely bring my camera for this event!

That's all for now.. please comment???

..Please excuse whichever hand I write with..

I was just watching The Simpsons and I love that line. Bart wrote a letter to be excused from class - of course he said it was from his mom but.. obviously not.

I don't know which site I want to keep up with. Of course they're both me but I still feel a block in my mind and I'm finding it hard to truly express myself.

However, I do feel better when people leave me comments because then I feel like people are actually reading this site.

Help me out here people.. encourage me.. inspire me.. shove me?

Guzzling coffee again

So, I got up an hour ago.. really reluctantly since I turn off my alarm when I set it for.. 8am [it's past 11 now as I'm writing this.] Yes, I'm very behind for the finishing touches. My girlfriend and I made a ton of progress and I vowed to finish it.
I'm also playing on the eMac my girlfriend and I traded.. She's taking the iMac, I'm taking the eMac. Wow! I have a bigger screen! It's pretty wild on this eMac.

So, I'll take some pix of my progress and.. hey, it's fun Shannon! Get the kids to do it, they'll learn to love it at some point :D

I'm actually nervous but since the current manager was finally Fired, there's a little less tension in the air.

Tinnitus & Stuff

Last night I had a terrible night with tinnitus, which is ringing in the ears. I'm used to a kind of shushing noise most of the time and other times actual silence but occasionally I'll get one long night with some loud ringing sound that makes it really hard to sleep. Luckily with the impending snow storm going on and already being off from school for a Friday, it didn't mess me up too badly. I eventually fell asleep around 8 or 9am and slept til 2pm and then threw in another three hours. Ha. BUT the point is, I finally got out of this crazy-ass slump I've been in all week! I've been really crabby and blah and on top of school that leads me to being hard on myself, nothing goes right. It's been too cold to work out.. so, yeah.

When I got up, I was finally feeling really good, made a PB&J, picked up my apartment, gathered some laundry.. did my laundry.. While waiting for one load to wash and another machine to free up, I did my dishes.. Put some coffee away. I kept a coffee can from a previous coffee purchase and now when I buy a bag of coffee, I actually dump that in the can and it keeps it fresh. By the time I finished my laundry, even though some of it was a little damp, I didn't care, I figured I'd save my quarters for tomorrow when I do my sheets & blankets that desperately need a cleaning.

My bestest friend Carol in California is going through a ton of tough life stuff and we always chat every two weeks or so on the phone. While I waited for her phone call, I got my math homework done.

Certainly a very satisfying afternoon and evening.

It's always frustrating when I'm hard on myself.. especially with school.. I always think I'm not doing well enough or a paper I wrote isn't good enough. Which then makes the whole getting-out-of-bed very difficult. It's a very obnoxious cycle. VERY obnoxious. My anxiety goes way up and it's this terrible domino effect.

The cool thing with Carol is she went through a program called CHAANGE a few years ago. Yes, two A's. I forget exactly what it all means but the point is it's getting rid of panic attacks and anxiety. I've been real anxious starting school again and used to have pretty chronic anxiety and many panic attacks. I'll admit my panic attack triggers aren't nearly as high but my general anxiety attacks are pretty up there. So she just resent this 30 pound package on Wednesday so I might get it early next week.. It's generally a 15 week program but I don't have to do it at that pace, I can go slower or whatever. The best thing is I'll be able to do this with my therapist and she's really eager to see this as well because, well, she knows I have anxiety as well.

I just want to be in control of everything! HA. Right.

Now, I'm currently blank.. Have a good night!