Wrote this on my blackberry

I sent this email to my friend.. and I figured it would be a lovely blog entry since things have been very stressful this week.
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I'm going to write out my lovely week as I'm going to school today.

Its been stressful. You've been warned.

My new leg braces are doing its broken record playing - scratches and such. I saw the brace guy last week and he finally understood my "sensitive skin comment" and was quite alarmed.

I saw the dermatologist yesterday to show her the creation that she referred me to and its lovely markings. Thankfully she was upset and we're going to create our own padding. As well as get some special socks.

Before getting to her however, Gary called. The drama from last year about mom is going to lose the house is back on. He pulled out the "you're the daughter" card again. After telling him things like "I have 4 weeks left of school." And "I can't just drop my life and drag her out to do her daily errands. I cannot be Dad just like that." Eventually had to say "Thanks for calling and letting me know. I'll do the best I can but today it will not happen."

Upset and stressed from the call, I wanted to cry. I sent Carol a text about the call and thankfully she called me back. Its quite amazing I could even get the call while waiting for the doctor to come back. She told me to take a deep breath, you're doing well and everything is going to be ok. She assured me of handling the situation quite well and just to keep it up.

While at my appointment, my blood pressure had to be taken 3 times because it was so high.

After my appointment was done I stepped outside and was physically frozen still while the World around me was noisy and going on. I stared out at the sidewalk feeling numb and unsure what to do. Then I realized "Food. Walgreens. Go" those were the 3 exact words to pop into my head in order to get out of my "frozen" state.

I also called Carol back - thanked her for calling and helping me feel a bit better and hope she's doing ok.

School has been rough... Four weeks left, papers and studying to do I'm feeling a bit frazzled.

Last night I had a crazy dream of being shot... People I don't know stealing money from me - threatening to shoot me. People in these dreams were unrecognizable. The only thing known was being on Irving Park and Keeler where I grew up. I woke up and my body hurt and did not feel rested. When I got home yesterday after my doctor appointment and physical therapy I took 4 ibprophen, had a terrible headache and conked out for 5 hours. Never even heard/see my door bell being rung.

I Miss You

I miss writing out my every thought, feeling, and tiny bits of intent. Other than trying to think of which key to push first to get my fingers flying over the keyboard, I know I’ve lost my touch. It’s been a few years since I was able to creatively write and I miss it dearly.

I admire friends who are writers and can keep it going through the internet on blogs and other inter-webs {yes, stealing your word Ana}. Unfortunately though, I still blame the memory that still haunts me. Just like an awful reoccurring dream that happens to some people on a nightly basis, that memory of my father threatening to sue my every word sadly robbed my muse. Yes, it was blasphemy and logically cannot happen but I was young and it was my way out of my frustrations but my muse is still locked up. Well, I am still young, still in my twenties but 21 feels like many moons ago.

I’m sitting here rocking back and forth in my chair between keying breaks to gather thoughts and throw them in a bucket. I kind of wish I could do that naturally but handwriting doesn’t come as quickly as using this keyboard.

I have a scattering to do list roaming through my head and laundry to do. Homework to catch up on, cuts on my leg that I worry is getting infected. Owing help to friends and I’m unable to show my face at the moment. The weather is ugly, wet and that used to be an inspiration.

I’m still waiting for my sigh of relief from getting these things off my mind.

I love the sound of the clickety-clack on my keyboard and even that used to be inspiring. Where did my muse go? I can write a list of the things I love but it feels too automatic and useless. Sure, one person will see my love list and smile because there’s something in common but it never feels the tiny bit original.

Wow someone is cooking something but I think they burnt it. Whatever it was, it better not set off the fire alarm. Yes if you recognize those lines, I did tweet them earlier.

I changed my twitter username from @katemp to @bellastars. What do you think? I was bored if using katemp - Kate is my first name of course, but M stands for Meredith and P is for my last name, Pastorelli. Yep, Italians rule!

If I change it again later, don’t be mad at me okay?
Ah, now I’m feeling better. Certainly not 100% but this did help.